How do you continue to be authentic, and yourself, and present even when you suffer rejection or your dreams aren't realized?
These are questions I've asked subconsciously and consciously for years now. I found the first half of the answer to these questions years ago. I found them when I hid myself away, and asked God how He felt about me, and what He thought about me. Prior to that deep revelation of my purpose and identity in Christ I kept encountering people who didn't like the hard questions I asked when things didn't make sense to me. I also kept encountering people who made promises to me, BIG promises to me, and broke those promises when it started to cost them too much.
It's hard when you keep seeing people respond in negative ways towards you to not question the motives of your heart and even possibly your lovability. I remember after one particularly horrible betrayal that I had experienced crying out to God and saying "why God, why is this happening, what have I done wrong?" Honestly, in that moment God was silent and I felt very alone. A few moments later I heard God whisper to me "Carrie, you are asking the wrong question." "I want you to ask me how I feel about you." So I did and immediately I heard God say, "Carrie I love everything about you and I've never left you." That was the beginning of me letting go of finding my acceptance and security in people and their approval or disapproval of me, and finding myself by looking into the face of Jesus, and letting Him tell me who I was.
So, during the time that I suffered rejection, disappointment, accusation, loss of relationships, and what felt like my dignity at least before men, I found the greatest treasure of all. My best friend is who I found in that long season. My best friend, Jesus. What many would call the "dark night of the soul" I would call my time of awakening. I was awakened to how very much God likes to spend time with me. I was awakened to the beauty that God had hidden in me before the foundation of the world, and in turn the beauty of those around me. I was awakened to the "little things", a baby's laugh, the wind across my face, the beauty of a simple melody, the value of my family, and so many other incredibly valuable things that can't be measured.
It's incredible and so very true that "God uses all things for the good of those who love Him." People's treatment of me could have caused me to turn inward and run in fear from relationship with God and people. What it did instead was help me find my voice and my song. It's a voice of strength and a voice of fearlessness. That's who God made me to be .... His fearless one .... Pretty good for an average American Girl .... I love that He doesn't look at any of us the way that we look at ourselves or each other without His lens. It's pretty incredible what we will find we are capable of if we listen to what He says to us about who we are.
The second part of this question I mentioned at the beginning is being answered right now for me and I'm still in process. I'll leave it at that and share more when I'm ready.
But, let me leave you with this .... No matter how broken your heart is or has been, no matter how many times someone has told you that you aren't worth it, or that your dreams are too big or stupid, whatever the mocking voices are, put them away for good, and cry out to your Abba, your Father God. Ask Him to tell you what He thinks about you, and what He thinks about your dreams. You won't be disappointed. His thoughts of us are always so much better than what we could even imagine. I promise .... so so so much better.
