Pressure and Letting Go

How do you continue to be authentic, and yourself, and present even when you suffer rejection or your dreams aren't realized?

These are questions I've asked subconsciously and consciously for years now.  I found the first half of the answer to these questions years ago.  I found them when I hid myself away, and asked God how He felt about me, and what He thought about me.  Prior to that deep revelation of my purpose and identity in Christ I kept encountering people who didn't like the hard questions I asked when things didn't make sense to me.  I also kept encountering people who made promises to me, BIG promises to me, and broke those promises when it started to cost them too much.

It's hard when you keep seeing people respond in negative ways towards you to not question the motives of your heart and even possibly your lovability.  I remember after one particularly horrible betrayal that I had experienced crying out to God and saying "why God, why is this happening, what have I done wrong?"  Honestly, in that moment God was silent and I felt very alone.  A few moments later I heard God whisper to me "Carrie, you are asking the wrong question."  "I want you to ask me how I feel about you." So I did and immediately I heard God say, "Carrie I love everything about you and I've never left you."  That was the beginning of me letting go of finding my acceptance and security in people and their approval or disapproval of me, and finding myself by looking into the face of Jesus, and letting Him tell me who I was.

So, during the time that I suffered rejection, disappointment, accusation, loss of relationships, and what felt like my dignity at least before men, I found the greatest treasure of all.  My best friend is who I found in that long season.  My best friend, Jesus.  What many would call the "dark night of the soul" I would call my time of awakening.  I was awakened to how very much God likes to spend time with me.  I was awakened to the beauty that God had hidden in me before the foundation of the world, and in turn the beauty of those around me.  I was awakened to the "little things", a baby's laugh, the wind across my face, the beauty of a simple melody, the value of my family, and so many other incredibly valuable things that can't be measured.

It's incredible and so very true that "God uses all things for the good of those who love Him."  People's treatment of me could have caused me to turn inward and run in fear from relationship with God and people.  What it did instead was help me find my voice and my song.  It's a voice of strength and a voice of fearlessness.  That's who God made me to be .... His fearless one .... Pretty good for an average American Girl .... I love that He doesn't look at any of us the way that we look at ourselves or each other without His lens.  It's pretty incredible what we will find we are capable of if we listen to what He says to us about who we are.

The second part of this question I mentioned at the beginning is being answered right now for me and I'm still in process.  I'll leave it at that and share more when I'm ready.

But, let me leave you with this .... No matter how broken your heart is or has been, no matter how many times someone has told you that you aren't worth it, or that your dreams are too big or stupid, whatever the mocking voices are, put them away for good, and cry out to your Abba, your Father God.  Ask Him to tell you what He thinks about you, and what He thinks about your dreams.  You won't be disappointed.  His thoughts of us are always so much better than what we could even imagine.  I promise .... so so so much better.

The Three Letter Word

What is this three letter word?  I'll get to that in a second.  I want to share a short story with you first.

     Today I was in a new city I'd never been to before.   I moved to the area yesterday but didn't get a chance to go anywhere until today.  While I was out exploring I stopped in a store to grab a couple things.   I in my normal style, I was doing quick laps trying to find everything on my list.  Just as I was about to the aisle where I'd grab the last thing on my list I found myself behind someone with a severe limp.  I didn't want the person to feel I was impatient towards them so I walked behind them until I could scoot around them without disturbing them.  No joke only five steps after I walked around her another woman with a severe limp stepped out in front of me.  I started to try to make my way around her and then I thought is this just a random coincidence, or is there something I'm missing and this is a way for my attention to be grabbed?  Honestly, I don't know which one it was, but in that moment I paused and I prayed.  I asked God if he had anything to say to me about this moment.  He immediately said, "Carrie this is why I don't want my people to sin.  When they sin it causes them to limp, it slows them down, and it keeps them from their destiny."   

     If you are about to quit reading please hang in there for another minute.  It's almost become taboo to say the word sin.  How dare you tell someone that they should or shouldn't do something.  That infringes on their rights and freedom, right?  I get it, I've been there.  I valued "freedom" over everything else but what I know now is that what I was living in wasn't a true freedom.   I was living in rebellion and fear, and anger and hurt.  It looked free but it wasn't.  My story is a long one, one of discovering myself, and discovering God.  Honestly, at one point I hated God.  I felt He had abandoned me.  I felt like He was so very far, and like He was a cruel taskmaster who just wanted to suck the fun out of my life and offer little to nothing in return.  If I had heard what God whispered to me today eighteen years ago I would have responded to Him or the person giving me the message that they were crazy if they thought I was open to hearing that.  

     Back to today and what I know now.  Avoiding sin is not to prove our worth to God, and it's not to show how good or "holy" we are to other people.  Sin is destructive.  It steals from us.  It steals our time.  It steals our focus.  It steals our joy.  It often locks us into something that is so much less than what we were created for.  If you look up the original meaning of the word sin it is actually defined as missing the mark.  The point is this,  God designed us to live really full lives,  lives where we hit the bullseye every time.  He wants wholeness, success, and beauty for us in every part of our lives.  That is why He tells us to avoid sin, because it keeps us from the abundance He made us for.  I won't list things to avoid.  If you're interested in knowing what God says about sin in a really poignant way then I would encourage you to pick up a Bible and explore for yourself.  It not only describes what can destroy us but it also talks about the remedy for a life of sin.  It's found in the greatest lover you could ever know, Jesus.  He came to redeem you from sin and to fill you with hope, grace, and peace.  He wants to empower you to know Him and be like Him.  

     There's so much more to be said but let me leave you with this..... If you met someone who loved you with a love that was the fiercest love that you had ever known, a love that was completely selfless and centered on your very good, would you struggle if that person asked you to let go of some things because they were harmful to you?  That's all God is doing when He tells us things to avoid.  He's saying "I made you, I know you, and I have a brilliant life and future for you.  Run from these things that I call sin, because they will trip you up and keep you from the incredibly astonishing life I have for you."      

My Journey into Love

I'm sitting here on my couch laughing thinking about all the times I've worried about things I had no control over.  I've even felt bad about how much I struggle to give over everything to God.  Striving, stress, control, all so heavy and unnecessary.  I'm reminded of where God says "his yoke is easy and his burden is light".  I've been hearing the Spirit whisper those words to me over and over again over the past few days.  I talked to a friend the other day and admitted that I deal with this struggle to not stress and control and I almost cried with how he responded.  All he basically said was that he deals with the same thing.  He could have said "come on Carrie think about how big God is" or "clearly you don't have enough faith, you just need to pray more and read your bible more".  Instead he was just authentic that he has the same struggle.  How crazy refreshing to have someone admit that they too are in process and learning how to let go of control and how to love God and themselves.

I love to think about the "what ifs".  I need to sometimes to get right perspective.  What if I never opened my bible again ?  Would that change how God feels about me ?  What if I was never intentional about praying for people to be healed so they can experience the unfathomable love of God ? Would that be enough to change how God feels about me ?  Even as I write this I feel more duty/obligation falling off of me.  "His yoke is easy and His burden is light".  I can only speak based on the encounters with His love/presence that I've had, but I can tell you that any time I've come to Him he is lifting off all of that law.  Does He want us to want Him ?  More than anything !!! We are His obsession.  He longs to draw us into Him and love on us.  Does it touch His heart when we force ourselves to "seek" Him when our hearts aren't in it ?  I don't know, but I'd like to propose something.   I know that if a friend called me and said " wanna hang out - I haven't talked to you in a week and I'm feeling bad because I know I should hang out with you" I would feel like please don't bother.  I've been praying that God would help me to love him well.  The love that He pours out on us is so extravagant and our response isn't demanded it's longed for.  I've heard lots of teaching on the first and two greatest commandments and how we should live based on these.  Jesus death fulfilled the law including these two commandments.  So what are we left with - His crazy longing for us !  What if you found out that someone thinks about you more than twice a second ?

I promise there's science behind that : ).  What if that same person found out you were going to die and you were cut off from relationship with you Father, so he died so that you could live and have relationship with your Father.  Are you starting to fall in love yet ?  I am.  Not only that but he left the earth to build a kingdom that is brilliant and amazing for both of you to share forever.  He also left His best friend the Holy Spirit to be your friend while he's creating this amazing place for you !  Wow so what am I left to do.  Fall in love over and over again.  Here I am learning to love, learning to trust, starting to understand a part of "the breadth, width, height, and depth of the love of God which surpasses knowledge".  I love this journey !!!    Let Him love you and watch how easily you start to look like Him, talk like Him, and act like Him !!!  

Walking in Honor

What if we really honored the good in other people?  I have had both types of people in my life - the type that looks for good and encourages me that who I am is good, and the type that looks for faults and in "discernment" tells me that because of my "limitations" I am not going to be able to accomplish the dreams that I have.  To tell you the truth I have done the same thing to people.  I've made judgements and decided that because of how someone looks, or because of how someone talks, or because of someone's level of education that they are not as good as me.  It's really so sad that insecurity so often drives us to "cut the legs out" from under people and their dreams.

I was just speaking with a dear friend yesterday who is in their fifties who told me how heart broken he was because some of his friends had done that very thing to him. What if instead of exposing his weakness they had encouraged him and looked for his strengths?

All of these circumstances have worked in me the desire to look for good in others.  As I've been doing this I've realized that the very thing I have a hard time accepting in others is often something I see in myself that I don't like.  I've also noticed that as I walk in honor towards others I am so blessed by them.  I suddenly am able to learn things I never would have known because the person feels safe enough to be vulnerable and share their heart.

I'm learning so much about life.  At the end of the day all anyone wants is to be fully accepted and appreciated.  I have had so many people in my life who have seen the good in me and it has brought me to life.  I had someone sit across from me the other day and tell me they love that I am strong willed.  I began to cry because I've had so many other people not accept that part of me.  That encouragement allowed me to dream again about some things I had lost hope in.

I know that I am just learning to love but I'm so excited for this journey.  It may take my whole life, but I pray that by the end that there will be many people who say, "I felt like the best version of myself around Carrie because she truly loved me!"